Thursday, March 5, 2015

Lessons in Sophistication: Proper Attire

So you've read Paradise Lost halfway through and drank your way through three pounds of World Tour coffee, and now you want to look posh. Your old peasant clothes just aren't cutting it anymore in the royal court and even the house elves snicker as you walk past. It's okay. I can help.

First of all, if you think dressing well involves looking 'stylish' or 'popular,' you're wrong. If you want to look fancy, you have to dress extravagantly. You want to walk into the king's court quieter than a house troll looking for cream and have everyone act like you just burst in to announce an enemy surrender in the south. You want to stand out from the crowd. You want to shine with a special sort of radiance that is uniquely you.

Let's discuss what that precludes from your options. Peasant clothes are a definite no-no, because all the peasants are wearing them. High fashion is also out of the question, as are blue jeans and white T-shirts. You should probably leave the king's cape out of your wardrobe options too, unless you want him to start shouting for heads to roll and are prepared for the eventuality that one of those heads will be yours.

Bearing that in mind, let's see what is acceptable attire in the castle.

  • Anything shiny
  • Something silky
  • Sequins
  • Scarves
  • Prints
  • Flowers
  • Capes (just not the king's)
  • Knee-high socks
  • Boots
  • Jumpy shoes
  • Platform shoes
  • Hats
  • Silly hats
  • Fingerless gloves
  • Leather gloves
  • Lace gloves
  • Lace anything
  • All-white suits
  • Rainbows
  • Glitter
Stay away from neon, and orange, unless you want the sentries to mistake you from an escaped criminal and throw you into the dungeon for the rest of forever. 

And remember that you best accessories are pets, poise, and personality. Try carrying around a gerbil (as long as it's not infested with the plague). Smile. Be kind to others. Walk with your head held high and your back straight. Bounce about. Dance like no one is watching. Greet the sentries, and put extra cream out for the elves, because you know no one else is going to. Be awesome. Be you

Footnotes, disclaimers, and post-scripts: Kaija does mean any offense to anyone in the entire world, except for my cat's mum because how could you abandon my baby like that? Kaija also doesn't know anything about style because she dresses like a peasant and she thinks she's fancy but she's really just really good at making that dollar-store-thrift-shop-second-generation-hand-me-downs style work for her. If your mum thinks any of this advice is pants, she's probably right, unless she's American and thinks that pants and trousers are the same thing, in which case she doesn't know what she's talking about. Kaija would also like to request that you don't write to her with any complaints if this advice gets you kicked out of the royal court, thrown into the dungeon, or disowned by the entire royal family. She's not responsible for any of your shenanigans. Unless she is. In which case she'll blame it on the house trolls and dance away. 

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