Friday, May 1, 2015

Eurovision Countdown: The Do's and Don't's of Picking Sides

With less than a month to go before the big day, the excitement grows daily. I know that I can barely wait!

Unfortunately, none of us have conveniently blue time machines to take us forward in time, so let's waste some time discussing the do's and don't's of picking sides in Eurovision.

Rooting for the home team: Winning.

Voting for the home team: Weak. And also not allowed.

Rooting for the neighbors: Winning!

Voting for the neighbors: Meh.

Rooting for a song based on the betting odds: Weak.

Voting for a song based on the betting odds: Now, this. This is unforgivable.

Rooting for the country you share that 'special connection' with: Awesome!

Voting for that country you share the 'special connection' with: Winning.

Now that we've established who not to vote for, let's take a quick look at some FAQ's.

Question: My mum likes a different song that I do! Whatever am I to do?

Answer: Check the betting odds and suckle from the teat of opportunity if your favorite song has better odds of winning; say nothing if your mum's song is actually better than the song you like.

Question: My friends are rooting for the colonials!

Answer: You need better friends. Also, that's not a real question.

Question: Why is it called Eurovision if they're letting Australia participate?

Answer: Shhhhhhhh. Just accept it, child.

Question: I can't wait for Eurovision! What can I do?

Answer: This is a very dire situation. The best thing to do is to rewatch previous years until you feel better. No, scratch that. Rewatching old Eurovision shows is the best thing you can do in any situation.

Question: My wife likes a song I hate! My house looks like a battlefield! This is ruining my marriage!

Answer: It happens to the best of us, brother. The only thing to do is close your eyes, pray to the almighty Eurovision Gods, and wait it out.

Post-Script: Please note that Kaija knows nothing about marriage counseling, music, friends, or time travel, and that this advice is meant purely for entertainment purposes. Unless it helps you. In which case, I will gladly take all the credit. All of it.

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