Lessons in Sophistication: Coffee

Picture this: You, in the castle library, elegantly draped over the velvet upholstered armchair, slowly perusing a leather-bound copy of Paradise Lost. There is a record player in the corner, gently skipping over the graceful notes of Für Elise. As sophisticated as you may look in the library's reading room turning the pages of one of the greatest works ever penned by human hands, something crucial is missing. A true sophisticate will look on, elegantly aghast, quietly and invisibly appalled by your choice, or lack of, beverage.

A Briton will tell you that nothing but the finest Earl Grey fits such an occasion, but we're continental and we're made of stronger stuff. We need a strong coffee in our delicate porcelain cup, but first we are going to have to decide our preferences in coffee. One simply cannot have a sophisticated fika without knowing what one's favorite coffee is. Before we begin, let us establish two things: There are no Starbucks or any other such establishment in or near our isolated castle, and (ahem brand that will go unmentioned) is simply a crime against good taste.

Any blue-blooded member of the royal court has doubtless made many journeys around the globe to sample coffees from every fertile continent, and can easily ramble off a list of top notes, textures, and flavours in any given coffee from nearly anyplace in the world. Unfortunately, we, as imaginative beings existing primarily in a mentally constructed landscape of infinite splendor and endless wonder, are limited to our castle, the courtyard, and the forest beyond.

It doesn't have to be that way, though. If we open our eyes and return to the horrors of the real world, we can find something on the list of the best things I have encountered in this life. That something is fancy coffee, and I buy mine here so that when I return to my castle wonderland I can proudly declare that I am drinking Ethiopia Yirgacheffe sailed in all the way from the newly discovered African continent as I, with untold poise and timeless beauty, go back to reading the greatest story known to man.


Notes, warnings, and post-scripts: Please do not try any of Kaija's fantastic ideas outside of the controlled environment of your mindscape. Please note that Kaija is not a member of any royal court on Earth and that she knows little of sophistication in her day to day life. She is but a humble farmer's daughter, milking cows and ploughing fields from sunrise to sundow- oh, wait, wrong mindscape. Ahem. In any case, please take any advice and/or coffee with a heaping teaspoon of sugar. If you are British and have been in any way offended by my Frenchness, please leave a message with my secretary Francis at 1-800-1-10v3-F4ANC3.