JESC Countdown: T-14 Days - My Top 5

Hej, everyone! I'm back and better than ever, and for the next two weeks I'm going to be doing a Junior Eurovision Countdown!

I love JESC, and it's one of the best occasions to party in my household!

Without further ado, here are my Top Five Junior Eurovision Songs:

Belarus - Musyka Moih Pobed

Poland: Nie zapomnij

Russia: Water of Life

Armenia: Tarber

1 - Albania: Besoj

Yup. I'm Team Albania, all the way. Besoj forever~

Eurovision Countdown: Getting Ready for the Big Day with a Eurovision Manicure

As the big day draws ever nearer, you might want to start thinking about all the flag-themed things you can incorporate into your daily life. In my house, this means changing all of our virtual wallpaper to Eurovision wallpaper, hanging our French, Swedish, Finnish, Icelandic, Danish, and Austrian flags up with pride, wearing flag-adorned clothing from the UK, and painting our nails with the flags of all our favorite countries. Here's what my Eurovision manicure looked like last year:

Eurovision Countdown: The Do's and Don't's of Picking Sides

With less than a month to go before the big day, the excitement grows daily. I know that I can barely wait!

Unfortunately, none of us have conveniently blue time machines to take us forward in time, so let's waste some time discussing the do's and don't's of picking sides in Eurovision.

Rooting for the home team: Winning.

Voting for the home team: Weak. And also not allowed.

Rooting for the neighbors: Winning!

Voting for the neighbors: Meh.

Rooting for a song based on the betting odds: Weak.

Voting for a song based on the betting odds: Now, this. This is unforgivable.

Rooting for the country you share that 'special connection' with: Awesome!

Voting for that country you share the 'special connection' with: Winning.


Now that we've established who not to vote for, let's take a quick look at some FAQ's.

Question: My mum likes a different song that I do! Whatever am I to do?

Answer: Check the betting odds and suckle from the teat of opportunity if your favorite song has better odds of winning; say nothing if your mum's song is actually better than the song you like.

Question: My friends are rooting for the colonials!

Answer: You need better friends. Also, that's not a real question.

Question: Why is it called Eurovision if they're letting Australia participate?

Answer: Shhhhhhhh. Just accept it, child.

Question: I can't wait for Eurovision! What can I do?

Answer: This is a very dire situation. The best thing to do is to rewatch previous years until you feel better. No, scratch that. Rewatching old Eurovision shows is the best thing you can do in any situation.

Question: My wife likes a song I hate! My house looks like a battlefield! This is ruining my marriage!

Answer: It happens to the best of us, brother. The only thing to do is close your eyes, pray to the almighty Eurovision Gods, and wait it out.


Post-Script: Please note that Kaija knows nothing about marriage counseling, music, friends, or time travel, and that this advice is meant purely for entertainment purposes. Unless it helps you. In which case, I will gladly take all the credit. All of it.

Eurovision Review: Israel with Golden Boy

First Thoughts: I kind of like the way this song starts out, but it peaks around the thirty second mark and it doesn't get any better from there. This just isn't my style of music, and I personally think the chorus would sound better in Hebrew or Arabic.

Best Lyric: I'm a golden boy, come here to enjoy, and before I leave, let me show you Tel Aviv! Also: Pull me, baby; I'm your trigger. Even I have to admit it's a little catchy.

Worst Lyric: Mama, someone broke my heart again. Now I'm gonna ease my pain... Dancing on the floor. This is a personal pet peeve of mine. I hate it when songs mention 'dancing on the floor.' It's weak. No one assumed you were dancing on the ceiling. Give your audience an ounce or two of credit, will you? And: Gotta go! Three minutes! Bye bye! Seriously? Seriously! It's a Eurovision song, Israel, and you're not even European. *facepalm.*

Finalist? Probably.

Final Thoughts: There are some stellar lyrics in this song, but there are also some I'm really not fond of. All in all, it's a decent song, but I doubt I'm going to remember it once Eurovision is over.

Score out of 12: Five.

April A-Z Challenge - Melodifestivalen

I know what you're thinking. I already did Eurovision, so why do I need to do Mello too? The answer is going to knock your metaphorical socks off.

I'm doing a separate entry for Mello because - wait for it - it's better than Eurovision. Now, take a deep breath. I'm not saying that I love Melfest better than Eurovision, because there are very few non-living things I love as much as Eurovision. However, the sad reality of Eurovision is that some countries *cough* UK *cough* I did not just say UK, I swear *cough* just don't take Eurovision as seriously as they could. Eurovision can also be very political, what with the voting blocs and Russia writing Ukraine creepy love songs every year like, yeah, one day you will be mine and join me, da and the musical travesty that was Get You.

Mello is different. For a full six weeks, some of the best singers in Sweden take us on a wild roller-coaster ride of ups and downs and semis and second chances and lovably annoying interns and light shows and fireworks and actual fire and kissing! Mello is just pure fun. And, yeah, Eurovision is a ton of fun, too, but the two contests have very different hearts and souls and Melodifestivalen just has a certain je ne sais quoi about it that Eurovision lacks.

Perhaps the best way I can think to explain the difference between the two is this: Eurovision is this great, big beast of a contest that has absolutely everything you could ever wish for in a song contest, from eardrum-shattering vampires to beautiful bearded ladies to songs about cake (and who doesn't love cake?) but Mello is... Well, it's Swedish, which is a word listed in the thesaurus under 'better than almost anything else.'

And on that bombshell, goodnight Europe!

Eurovision Review: Ireland with Playing With Numbers

First Thoughts: I love this song. It's so powerfully emotional, and it speaks to me so deeply. Strong power ballads like these always end up on my top five lists, and unlike Kuula and Eg a Lif, this song is actually in English!

Best Lyric: There are a few I quite like. The highlights are: Do I owe you something? I think I do. They tied our hands, but I cut through. Also: Fragile, misguided minds like mine only know how to use. So poetic.

Worst Lyric: In the arms of the potion, they found our truth. This isn't a fairytale, and truth potions aren't real. Kids these days. *Shakes head.*

Finalist? Normally, with a song like this, I'd say 'absolutely.' However, I would have said that Ireland's song last year was a shoe-in, and I'd have been wrong. Ireland doesn't have many voting allies, and it really depends on how well Ms. Ireland can perform live. I'm hoping to see this act at the final, though.

Final Thoughts: Hold on, I got distracted listening to Ireland's song from last year... Just hold onto my heartbeat... All in all, I like this song. Despite some dodgy lyrics, I can really feel this song's message, and that's always a bonus in my book.

Score out of 12: Douze points. I really like it.

Eurovision Review: Sweden with Heroes

First Thoughts: What exactly is the protocol when your favorite Eurovision country sends a song you personally don't like, or maybe just a song that you would like, except you poured your heart and your soul into a different song during that country's national final? Hmm. My mum and my MorMor just seem to take it in stride, but I am not a Casual Eurovision Fan. No, sir, no madam. I am a Hardcore Eurovision Fan, which, this year, has been kind of at odds with being a Hardcore Sweden Fan, a Hardcore Mello Fan, and a Hardcore Joik Fan.

I've avoided the issue thus far by being a dirty, filthy traitor and switching to #TeamNorge and pushing the skip button every time a song, TV show, or person said, did, or hinted at anything vaguely heroic. You have no idea how many 'I rescued ten dozen kittens from trees just last week alone' stories never got told because of my horrible dilemma.

But I cannot run from this anymore. It's my destiny. It's time to decide: Do I stay bitter that my Mello winner came in second, or do I once again drape myself in the flag of Sverige like some victorious Viking warrior?

Let's take a look at my original review of this song:

I love this song. I love the way it begins. I love the staging. I love the chorus. I love the light screen behind him, and I love the little light dude he fist-bumps. I love the message of the song. 

But I don't want it to win Melfest. It'd earn Sweden a top 5 placing for sure, but there's just something about it that I can't quite place my finger on that makes me unhappy it's the bookie's favorite. Perhaps it's just too far-reaching for my taste. We are the heroes? Whose heroes? Certainly not the millions that die of starvation every year. Surely not the billion people who don't have access to clean water. Yes, the world is changing for the better, but I think it's a bit too much to say we're 'heroes.' And on that note, who are the heroes? Am I a hero? Is Sweden a hero? Is Europe a hero? Is everyone a hero? This sounds more like a theme song for the EU than a winning Mello entry. 

Overall, I'd give this a solid 7 out of 10 - a great song, but just not a winner for me.

It seems I like this song rather a bit. In fact, I even went so far as to say I 'loved it.' But that doesn't change the fact that it won Mello. 

Best Lyric: The intro is definitely my favorite part. Don't tell the Gods I left a mess. I can't undo what has been done, let's run for cover. What if I'm the only hero left, you better fire off your gun, once and forever. He said, "Go dry your eyes and live your life like there is no tomorrow, son, and tell the others to go sing it like a hummingbird, the greatest anthem ever heard..."

Worst Lyric: We're dancing with the demons in our minds. I like to think that if I do have little devil-lings scampering about in my skull, I'm not dancing the tango with them every night.

Finalist?: Are you kidding? It's the favorite to win. The only way this isn't getting into the final is if someone decides to start the Apocalypse during his semi.

Final Thoughts: Nah, I'm still bitter.

Score out of 12: Zero, because I cried a waterfall over Jon Henrik. No, really, it's called the Weeping Waterfall and it's just west of here and... Oh, all right. I give it an 8. You're not getting anything more from me, though.

Eurovision Review: Georgia with Warrior

First Thoughts: Why are there two songs called Warrior this year? Has Europe learned nothing in the past two thousand years? In any case, I kind of like the song, even though the lyrics are in need of some major improvements.

Best Lyric: We're going to skip this part this time, and jump straight to the 'Worst Lyric' section.

Worst Lyric: All of it. You can read the lyrics here. Some highlights: Fighter, oximated, world gonna get up and see! Also: Violence; Set them free, wings are gonna spread up, still a fighter isolated. And: I’m warrior still stucked in my mind I’ve been in danger for too long.

Finalist? Maybe. Maybe not. The actual music is great; the lyrics are so epically bad that the only thing saving this song in my mind is the fact that her English is so broken it's like a foreign language to me.

Final Thoughts: Poor Georgia.

Score out of 12: 1 pity point.

Eurovision Review: Belgium with Rhythm Inside

First Thoughts: Before we get started here, I'd just like to point out a pattern I've noticed over the years. There seem to be three types of countries in Eurovision - first, and sadly rarest, the countries that legitimately want to win Eurovision and send a decent song in pursuit of that goal; second, the countries that could not give a damn if they tried and send bad songs on purpose; and third, the countries that truly want to win but loose every bit of musical judgement they've ever had when it comes time to pick a song. Yeah, I'm looking at you, UK. In any case, Belgium seems to be some strange combination of the three. Like, I can't tell if they thought this was a really good song that would sweep Europe off its collective feet or if they're just messing with us. The song itself is three different genres rolled into a miserable-sounding whole, like a raw steak soaked in pineapple juice and slathered in peanut butter, and the music video is seven shades of 'what the heck?'

Best Lyric: Listen to the sound of thunder, rolling in the soul down under. Perhaps they're predicting an Australian victory? In any case, it's the best lyric this song has to offer.

Worst Lyric: On a cosmic track, love attack, I’m gonna get that rhythm back. We’re going to ra-pa-pa, ra-pa-pa, we’re gonna ra-pa-pap tonight. Are you going to rap? Read to your papa? Grab your stethoscope and listen to the sound of a heart beating to the rhythm of 'oh God, please make this stop?'

Finalist? God, I hope not.

Final Thoughts: I can see how some people can listen to this and enjoy it, but I think it's one of those things where you either love it or hate it, and I'm definitely not loving it.

Score out of 12: 1 point for effort, Belgium.

Eurovision Review: Moldova with I Want Your Love

First Thoughts: I'm pretty torn when it comes to this one. On the one hand, it's a terrible song. On the other hand, I kind of like it. It's freaking catchy, but it's also pretty freaking bad.

Best Lyric: Nothing can steal your thunder, sky high when you pull me under. Honestly, this doesn't even make sense but it's the one reason I like the song.

Worst Lyric: Hey, girl! Remind me why we ain't together. Also: The picture that you're painting got me all anticipating. Really?

Finalist? Probably not. I mean, come on.

Final Thoughts: I still don't know how to feel about this song. I like the rhythm, I love the beat, and it grows on you (like lichen) the more you listen to it. But that still doesn't change the fact that the lyrics are seriously lacking and the song is about as shallow as a puddle after a sunshower.

Score out of 12: Three.

Eurovision Review: Albania with I'm Alive

First Thoughts: I like the song. It's instantly recognizable, and while I won't be singing it in the shower, it's not a bad song. My only complaint is the complete theme change that happens about fifty seconds in. It's like they set out to write one song and got a third of the way through before deciding to write a completely different song.

Best Lyric: I know you will come at the speed of the light, you're my everything. You're all that I need. You shatter my dreams, but I'm not gonna cry. Hashtag poetry in motion.

Worst Lyric: I was too afraid right from the start to even let you welcome in my heart. You cut it deep and left it bleeding. Will I ever heal this painful scar? I really hate lyrics that sound awkward in English, and I'm also sort of confused by this beginning because the song takes a complete 180 just a few seconds later. This guy hurt her, yet he's her everything? Sounds like an unhealthy relationship in its death throes.

Finalist? Yes. It's a pretty good song.

Final Thoughts: Perhaps someone can explain this song to me, because I'm still confused.

Score out of 12: Seven. Is there a seven? Yeah, seven.

Eurovision Review: Denmark with The Way You Are

First Thoughts: The first time I heard this song, I hated it. I'd just finished watching a grueling semi of Mello, and I was crashing from a sugar high, and I just couldn't stand this song. I gave it a second chance yesterday and I fell in love with it. Denmark really lives up to its reputation as the world's happiest country, and I have a funny feeling that once my MorMor hears this, she's going to throw her dollar into the betting pot for Team Danmark, just like she did last year for Cliche Love Song.

Best Lyric: All of it, really. But a particularly awesome line is: Like an old radio, a song I just can't let go, all I got on my mind is you. 

Worst Lyric: I can't find any. And trust me, I tried. *Wink.*

Finalist? Absolutely.

Final Thoughts: It's the way you are, it's just the way that you aaaare~

Score out of 12: Douze points! I love it! Flowers! Confetti! Cats! Kaija out!

Is Top Gear Over? A Tribute to Its Greatness

Is Top Gear over now that Jeremy Clarkson has been let go once and for all by the BBC? Perhaps. Perhaps not. In any case, I'd like to give the Clarkson era a mighty sendoff, and I couldn't think of any better way to do it than with Jeremy's own words:

This is a car program. There will be no cushions. There will be no rag rolling. No one will sing, and at the end of the series, no one will have a recording contract. This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here - well, apart from this one - and no bus lanes either. This is Top Gear. 

Well, Top Gear may have been more than a car program by its end, but there's no doubt about it - no matter what, it was always top. And on that bombshell - goodbye, Jeremy.

Kaija's Favorite Genre of Music

I'm sure my loyal subjects are all anxiously awaiting to hear what Princess Kaija's favorite genre of music is.

Surely a princess as poised and graceful as Kaija spends her days listening to classical music, oui? Non!

Well, then perhaps Her Majesty enjoys alternative music. Princess Kaija is as unique as a rainflower; it would only be logical. Nope, not alternative either.

Okay, I'll give you a hint: At our last kingdom-wide dinner party, the Their Majesties the Queen and Princess Kaija served a dessert named after this obscure genre of music. What! You missed our dinner party? Well, I can't give you the recipe, because it's a Super-Duper Classified Royal Secret, but I can tell you the name: scandipop.

Yup, that's right. My mum, AKA the Queen, thought my favorite music genre sounded like a dessert (which it totally does), so we consulted with the royal chefs to create our Awesomely Amazingly Yummy Scandipop Dessert!

You can listen to some scandipop here (do it for the princess) and eat some Scandipop at the next kingdom-wide feast, which will take place in the Royal Courtyard on the first day of the Month of Crimson Flowers! Both myself and the Queen look forward to seeing you there!

Eurovision Review: Armenia with Face the Shadow (Formerly Don't Deny)

First Thoughts: First of all, I'm glad they changed the title of the song. It's a small thing, but Face the Shadow is a much better title than Don't Deny. I'm also really digging the variety of voices in the song, from the almost operatic voice of one of the ladies to the sopranos of the gents. I also like the message of the song. It's not very clear from the lyrics, but the music video, the band's name, and various interviews reveal that it's about family histories and being proud of one's genealogy. However, I don't like the song. At all.

Best Lyric: Honestly, there aren't any. Just watch the music video on mute and pretend it's one of those old silent movies. It'll be better that way.

Worst Lyric: Time is ticking and you keep thinking that you are chicken. Really? Really? I know English isn't their native language, but surely they could have found an English-speaking school child online who would have been able to tell them that 'chicken' stops being a thing after primary school.

Finalist?: Probably. It's a unique enough act that I think people will fall for it and forget that as a song, it's bloody terrible.

Final Thoughts: I'm sort of disappointed. Armenia had a great entry last year, and this entry was a great idea, but it fell pretty far short in the musical and lyrical department.

Score out of 12: Two.

Eurovision Review: Estonia with Goodbye to Yesterday

First Thoughts: My first thought upon hearing the first line of this song (woke up at six a.m.) was, "Damn, that's late." I tend to get up at four a.m., and on that particular day I was up at two thirty in the morning, so six seemed like this dude was slacking off big time. Anyway. I really like this song. It's another one of my top-fivers.

Best Lyric: Why didn't you wake me up? This is so catchy I find myself bopping along to it and barely restraining myself from singing it to my mum at random hours of the day. Also: As I got outside, I smiled to the dog. I love dogs, and the fact that he took the time to smile at it is just heart-wrenching.

Worst Lyric: Lying here naked and staring at the phone. TMI, madam.

Finalist? Definitely.

Final Thoughts: Goodbye to Yesterday is a great song. This duo has great chemistry and they can sing well live. I can't wait to see what they have to offer us in terms of performance in Vienna.

Score out of 12: Douze points. I love it.

Eurovision Review: Belarus with Time

First Thoughts: I really like this song. This is definitely in my top five. Also, the music video is awesome.

Best Lyric: Time is like thunder. This is the catchiest thing I've heard since they came out with that study about the plague-ridden gerbils. I've been singing it under my breath ever since I heard this song. Plus, I love the comparison. I just wish they'd explained it a little more. It's sort of like that riddle with the raven and the writing desk; it doesn't make much sense, but it's cool anyway.

Worst Lyric: Breaking out through the night made me see the bright light. That's called dawn, dude.

Finalist? Definitely.

Final Thoughts: Maybe time is scary? My dog is afraid of thunder. Time isn't loud, so that can't be it. Perhaps a better comparison might be time is like lightening. Maybe this duo doesn't get how storms work, or maybe they set out to confuse us. Who knows? Certainly not me.

Score out of 12: Ten. It's a good song, but it's not the kind of song that's going to get too many straight 12's outside its bloc.

Eurovision Review: Finland with Aina Mun Pitää

First Thoughts: I'd like to start off this entry by congratulating Finland on a) being progressive enough to send this act, and almost as importantly, b) not sending a boyband. I love these dudes, if only because they were so happy when they won that it was impossible not to partake in their joy. I was rooting for another act, but I shouted and cheered when they won anyway because I love the band. I don't, however, love the song. Scream-o punk just isn't my thing. It's probably a good song for its genre, but when you don't like the genre, it's kind of hard to like the song. I also don't think Aina Mun Pitää is the next Hard Rock Hallelujah, because as much as I love these guys, they aren't Mr. Lordi and his crew and Hard Rock Hallelujah is freaking sacred to me. So, yeah.

Best/Worst Lyric: I'm going to skip this part because I know literally five or six words of Finnish and none of them are in this song.

Finalist? This is really hard to call. This act is one of the darkest horses I've ever heard, like a black hole of odds and betting into which all the statistics fail to work and five plus three ceases to equal eight. I'm going to go out on a willow tree limb and say yeah, it's going to be a finalist.

Final Thoughts: I just hope the rest of Europe is as kind to these gentlemen as Finland was. I'm looking at you, ex-Soviet states.

Score out of 12: God, this is hard to say too. Ten. I'm going to give them a 10, because I love them, and I love Finland, and they have that same kind of sweet appeal that got the babushkas to second place a few years back.

Eurovision Review: F.Y.R. Macedonia with Autumn Leaves

First Thoughts: Okay, first of all, the most important question of all: Why the heck do they still call themselves the 'Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia'? Like, why not just 'Macedonia'? Is it your love letter to the former Yugoslavia, or just a big old middle finger to the slow speakers of the world? Anyway. I really expected to hate this song, because I loved Lisja Esenski and I hate language changes 99% of the time, but I actually like it. My one complaint is that there are times his accent is so thick it sounds like he's still speaking Macedonian. Who knows, maybe he is.

Best Lyric: Hanging from our knees in the willow trees, easy like the month of June. I just really like this line.

Worst Lyric: Our fairytale go right, with no end in sight, have me tangled up in blue. Or at least that's what I heard through his accent. Number one, it's not even proper English, and blue is definitely not a good thing most of the time. Unless you're talking about oceans. Or skies. But as a metaphor, it generally doesn't mean happy-fun-fairytale time.

Finalist? I really, really hope so. I have to listen to the other songs in his semi to be sure, but I really think this is going to make it to the final regardless.

Final Thoughts: I think he should have kept this song in Macedonian. I really do. Lisja Esenski was beautiful. This is just broken English slathered over a song that used to be truly awesome.

Score out of 12: 8. I'd have given Lisja Esenski a perfect 12, but that's what you get for language changes, you confusing, confusing country.

Eurovision Review: France with N'obliez Pas

First Thoughts: I really like the beginning of this song, but most of it is disappointingly forgettable. It's soft, and it's sweet, and maybe it'd go over well on anyone still awake on the Easy Listening Station, but I can't see it capturing many hearts in Vienna. It does pick up a bit towards the end, but that point I'm already half asleep.

Best Lyric: N’oubliez pas/ Effacée des cartes et des mémoires/ Je me souviens du rire des enfants/ La voix des hommes quand ils partaient aux champs/ Les fêtes des moissons/ L’odeur dans les maisons/ Les éclats d’amour et de joie/ Mais je suis là/ N’oubliez pas. As a poem, this is brilliant. As a song, less so.

Worst Lyric: There aren't any, really. The song isn't bad, it's just.... Boring.

Finalist? Yup.

Final Thoughts: I would really like to see France send an established artist like TAL or Shy'm to Eurovision. One day, far, far, far in the future, they're going to surprise us all by sending an English entry. Our great-great-grandchildren will be long dead by that point, but it's the thought that counts.

Score out of 12: I really love you, France, so I'm going to give you three loyalty points in addition to the pity point you're going to get from Angleterre this year. Four points!