The Top Ten Things I Spend Your Taxes On Are...

1. I always spend a little gold on exotic candies, coffees, and juices when I'm on shore leave in another kingdom. 
2. I also like to purchase fabrics for the castle seamstresses to turn into bedding, curtains, and cloths of all kinds. 
3. No Princess's wish list would be complete without lavish ballgowns for catching the fancy of other Princes and Princesses visiting from neighboring kingdoms, now would it?
4. You may or may not know this, but I spend a considerable amount of my paycheck on entertainment. Though Mother gives the castle musicians, dancers, and jesters a considerable salary, I always tip handsomely. 
5. I, like all other royals, spend a little gold on jewels, gems, and precious metals, particularly those found in jewelry and artwork. 
6. Speaking of artwork, I spend about 1,110 gemions on it every year - a fortune indeed. 
7. Much to the Queen's dismay and MorMor's delight, I spend hundreds of gemions each month on fancy clothes for the horses, goats, and dogs that live on the palace grounds. Much to my dismay, the cat refuses to get dressed. 
8. I also spend a considerable amount on various perfumes and potions to chase away the miasmas blowing in from the east. 
9. I spend a few dozen gemions a week for scented bath products. I refuse to bathe in anything but the most supreme luxury. 
10. And, as any Princess delights in, I spend my gold on soft and fuzzy cuddly plushie friends. 

An Interview With Her Majesty the Queen

Kaija: So, mum, how does it feel to be Queen?

Her Majesty the Queen: It feels marvelous, darling. (At this point Her Majesty excuses herself to take council with the head chef. Being Queen is hard work!)

Kaija: What is life in the royal palace like?

Her Majesty the Queen: Busy! Busy, busy, busy. It's hectic. There is always something going on. There's always something to do. Princess Kaija and I are always organizing feasts, balls, dances, and other events for our loyal subjects. It's fun.

Kaija: How would you describe your relationship with our servants and staff?

Her Majesty the Queen: Most of the time, I share a good relationship with our servants, but sometimes it's a little tense. It gets tiresome to always have staff about. The maids in particular are always stirring up trouble.

Kaija: Can you tell me a little about your relationship with your handmaiden?

Her Majesty the Queen: It's wonderful. She's perfect. She's funny. She's intelligent, and she's very kind.

Kaija: Can you tell me about your life before you became Queen? What kind of training did you have to go through when you were Crown Princess? What kind of ruler was MorMor?

Her Majesty the Queen: My training consisted of learning how to wave, practicing which fork and spoon to use at various dinner parties, and studying the cultures of the surrounding kingdoms for diplomacy purposes. Your MorMor was an impatient ruler, but a fair one as well. I hope that you will learn from our mistakes and emulate our virtues when you yourself someday become Queen.

Kaija: Thank you, Your Majesty.

25 Ways to Say I Love You Without Saying "I Love You"

1. With a song that means something both you and your intended.
2. In a poem that you wrote yourself.
3. On a Post-It in the bathroom mirror before work.
4. In a hand-written love letter.
5. In a homemade video.
6. Through a hug.
7. With a collage of scrapbook of your favorite memories and photographs of you and your intended.
8. In another language.
9. In sign language.
10. With a handmade gift.
11. Three words: Breakfast in bed.
12. Through a romantic treasure/scavenger hunt.
13. Create a website dedicated to your love.
14. By remembering their favorite things.
15. Through a homemade card sometime in between Valentine's Day and your anniversary. 
16. With a surprise cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate. 
17. With your bestie Shakespeare. 
18. With origami love notes. 
19. With a scented candlelit bath.
20. With a kiss.
21. By telling the waiter it's your intended's birthday even when it's not when you're not at one of your usual haunts. 
22. Surprise ice cream.
23. Candy on their pillow.
24. Just-because flowers. 
25. Every day. 

Ten Fashion Tips to Live By

1. Ditch the magazines. They'll only make you feel bad you can't afford the 500 quid plus outfits they parade across every page. 
2. Don't turn your nose up at hand-me-downs. Those clothes your older sib doesn't fit into anymore will save you money and force you to get creative to make them work, and you may not realize it, but your parents are super chill. Just remember one golden rule of hand-me-downs: Just say no to the 80's. Unless that's your thing, which is cool too. 
3. Once a year, give yourself a budget of 50 dollars and buy yourself a whole new wardrobe. This will take some serious yard-sale, flea market, and church-sale hunting, but it is so worth it. 
4. We all have those clothes that have been sitting in the back of our closets that we've worn literally once and twice in our entire lives. Chances are we're never going to wear them again, so it's time to stop with the 'maybe someday' and 'but it's such a shame' and put them to a better purpose. Throw all those lightly used, like-new clothes that you are never going to wear or fit into, like, ever again, and donate them to a local charity that provides clothes for those in need. Believe me, giving those clothes a new life will make everybody a little happier. 
5. Shop at thrift shops. You'll be amazed at the treasures you'll find. 
6. Neon orange never looked good on anyone. 
7. Save heels bigger than two inches for date night, boys and girls. Your height is your height and unless you're on the prowl, it just isn't worth the pain, no matter how good they make your legs look. Also, if you can't walk in them, they're too bloody big. 
8. Forget gender labels. A skirt is a skirt, a dress is a dress, a shirt is a shirt. It's not a men's shirt or a woman's dress, it's just a piece of cloth. If you like it, wear it. I personally love wearing so-called 'men's' shirts, ties, and vests. 
9. Forget the 'Fashion Police.' There's really only one rule you need to follow when it comes to fashion, and that is: wear something. If you don't, you'll have to worry about the real police and indecent exposure charges. That is, of course, unless you reside in an area where it's legal to walk about starkers, in which case, feel free to bare all. Unless it's winter, in which case... Just don't. 
10. Be you. A lot of people use fashion as an external representation of their internal selves, so go out there and show everyone who you are. Be fabulous. Be beautiful. Be amazing. Be you, because you're already all three. 

How to be a Lady/Gentleman/Honourable Member of the Human Race

As a Princess, Kaija believes in such thing as poise, grace, and dignity. Here is how you can elevate yourself to a more regal level, regardless of your royal heritage.

1. Always feed unicorns.
2. Never step in a fairy circle uninvited. 
3. Never crash a tea party or interrupt a fika. 
4. Tithe, if you are able. 
5. Be kind to others. 
6. Never judge a person based on race, gender, sex, color, creed, nationality, religion, ability, appearance, income, or sexuality. Judge others by the quality of their character and the beauty that resides in their heart. 
7. Watch the sunset. 
8. Be gracious and grateful. Say 'thank you.'
9. If you see a fellow human in need, help them to the best of your ability. 
10. Give your all in everything you do. 
11. Never use hate speech. 
12. Give third chances. 
13. Wake up early to watch the sunrise at least once a month. 
14. Get out into nature, if you are able to do so. 
15. Recycle, and do your best to reduce your energy usage and waste production. 
16. Try not to waste food. 
17. Volunteer your time to those in need. 
18. Educate yourself about what is happening in the world. 
19. Be accepting of other's differences. 
20. Read widely, deeply, and voraciously. 
21. Write poetry, no matter how horrible may be. 
22. Feel pride in your accomplishments, but project humility. 
23. Be the best you you can be.

Lessons in Sophisication: Languages

It is essential for any well-educated sophisticated member of the royal court to be fluent in as many languages as possible. French, as the language of diplomacy, is considered a requirement for many sophisticates. Continentals should also commit themselves to the study of the great German language, though colonials should devote themselves to the study of Spanish or Italian. A working knowledge of Greek, Latin, and early forms of English is also important so that one can enjoy the royal library in all of its multilingual, ancient glory. One should aim for fluency in no less than six languages.


Disclaimers, footnotes, and post-scripts: Kaija can only write in English and Spanish, and can only read five languages. While she likes to consider herself an amateur linguist, she hasn't quite grasped the concept that Interlingua doesn't come naturally to most colonials. She doesn't mean any offense to anyone, except people who have never heard of Azerbaijan and colonials who only speak one language. Any complaints, comments, or cries of outrage must be written in Proto-Indoeuropean and addressed to the year 7056 B.C.E.

Lessons in Sophistication: The Wheels

When you live in a castle, you can't own any old car. You need a car that is as stylish, graceful, and poised as the crown princess. You can't come ambling up the lane in your 2008 Honda Accord, and for the love of all that is good in this world, leave the Bugattis and Ferraris in the cleverly disguised garage. The one possible exception to the 'no flashy cars at the castle gates' rule is the Porsche 911, which is only acceptable to leave out if it's silver, black, or a nice, deep, elegant blue.

Ideally, though, you're going to want a classic car in front of the castle. Cadillacs from the 1910's and 1920's are excellent choices, as are most cars from the fifties and sixties. It is my unprofessional, untrained opinion that the 20th century simply stopped making good cars after the sixties, so please don't park your 1982 monstrosity in front of my castle.

Of course, there is more to cars than their appearance. Driving in a stately manner is an import aspect to your appearance as a member of the royal court. The general rule is this: the older the car, the more noise it makes, ergo the less time you should spend driving it for the good of everyone in a five kilometer radius.

You might ask, "How, then, am I to get about if I cannot drive as frequently as my heart desires?" The answer is simple. All you have to do is have a sentry escort you to the stable, order the stableboy to saddle up your prettiest horse, and ride off into the sunset alongside your favorite prince(ss).


Disclaimers, notes, and post-scripts: Kaija barely knows carburetors from coolants. She also doesn't mean to offend anyone, least of all the royal families of the world. She's just a lowly servant girl scraping out a pittance of a living in someone else's grand palace. Well, not really, but you get the point. If you have any complaints or cries of outrage, please direct them towards the BBC because Top Gear is literally the only way I have learnt of cars past the day I was three and pointed at a lorry and said 'ca.' My mum said "close enough" and ever since I've been terribly, terribly confused. That never really happened; love you mum!

Lessons in Sophistication: Proper Attire

So you've read Paradise Lost halfway through and drank your way through three pounds of World Tour coffee, and now you want to look posh. Your old peasant clothes just aren't cutting it anymore in the royal court and even the house elves snicker as you walk past. It's okay. I can help.

First of all, if you think dressing well involves looking 'stylish' or 'popular,' you're wrong. If you want to look fancy, you have to dress extravagantly. You want to walk into the king's court quieter than a house troll looking for cream and have everyone act like you just burst in to announce an enemy surrender in the south. You want to stand out from the crowd. You want to shine with a special sort of radiance that is uniquely you.

Let's discuss what that precludes from your options. Peasant clothes are a definite no-no, because all the peasants are wearing them. High fashion is also out of the question, as are blue jeans and white T-shirts. You should probably leave the king's cape out of your wardrobe options too, unless you want him to start shouting for heads to roll and are prepared for the eventuality that one of those heads will be yours.

Bearing that in mind, let's see what is acceptable attire in the castle.

• Anything shiny
• Something silky
• Sequins
• Scarves
• Prints
• Flowers
• Capes (just not the king's)
• Knee-high socks
• Boots
• Jumpy shoes
• Platform shoes
• Hats
• Silly hats
• Fingerless gloves
• Leather gloves
• Lace gloves
• Lace anything
• All-white suits
• Rainbows
• Glitter

Stay away from neon, and orange, unless you want the sentries to mistake you from an escaped criminal and throw you into the dungeon for the rest of forever. 

And remember that you best accessories are pets, poise, and personality. Try carrying around a gerbil (as long as it's not infested with the plague). Smile. Be kind to others. Walk with your head held high and your back straight. Bounce about. Dance like no one is watching. Greet the sentries, and put extra cream out for the elves, because you know no one else is going to. Be awesome. Be you. 

Footnotes, disclaimers, and post-scripts: Kaija does mean any offense to anyone in the entire world, except for my cat's mum because how could you abandon my baby like that? Kaija also doesn't know anything about style because she dresses like a peasant and she thinks she's fancy but she's really just really good at making that dollar-store-thrift-shop-second-generation-hand-me-downs style work for her. If your mum thinks any of this advice is pants, she's probably right, unless she's American and thinks that pants and trousers are the same thing, in which case she doesn't know what she's talking about. Kaija would also like to request that you don't write to her with any complaints if this advice gets you kicked out of the royal court, thrown into the dungeon, or disowned by the entire royal family. She's not responsible for any of your shenanigans. Unless she is. In which case she'll blame it on the house trolls and dance away. 

Lessons in Sophistication: How to Be Harder

Surprise! This is anything but a lesson in sophistication. This is a lesson about how to turn your nose up at all those fancy Europeans, colonial style!

Step One: The Threads. Basically you need to dress like Apocalypse Now was three years ago. You are going to need at least one of each of the following:

• A black tank top.
• A leather jacket, preferably stained with tobacco, gun powder, and motor oil. 
• Black cargo pants. The more buckles and chains, the better. 
• Black combat boots. Bonus for steel tips. 
• A black beanie. Bonus for skulls. 
• Fingerless leather gloves. Bonus for skulls. 
• A black belt. Bonus if it has studs. Triple bonus if it's in karate. 
• Studded rings, earrings, and bracelets. 

Okay, now that you look hard, you need to feel it. 

Step Two: The Tunes. 

• Let's start off tame with some Hard Rock Hallelujah. Bonus if you know what song contest it won. Double bonus if you know what year. 
• Okay, now we need to turn up the heat a bit. Listen to Devil is a Loser and Spiel Mit Mir. Triple bonus points if you know German and get through both songs anyway. 
• Carrying on. Time to start the bonfire, gentlemen. This time it's Mein Teil. 

Step Three: The Wheels. 

• You need a Jeep. No question about it. A Jeep is the minimum requirement for being a hard-a** m*****f****r. 
• If Jeeps aren't your thing, you need a Hummer. 
• And if you want the medal for All Time Hard Man, you need a Marauder. Watch the gentle grace with which it fits into this tight space while doing some light Zombie Apocalypse Stockpiling shopping. 

Step Four: Acting Hard. 

• Don't. We're all still gentlemen here. No need to go around breaking things and smashing watermelons. Walking the walk, jamming to the metal, and driving the hottest car in town is enough.

Lessons in Sophistication: Coffee

Picture this: You, in the castle library, elegantly draped over the velvet upholstered armchair, slowly perusing a leather-bound copy of Paradise Lost. There is a record player in the corner, gently skipping over the graceful notes of Für Elise. As sophisticated as you may look in the library's reading room turning the pages of one of the greatest works ever penned by human hands, something crucial is missing. A true sophisticate will look on, elegantly aghast, quietly and invisibly appalled by your choice, or lack of, beverage.

A Briton will tell you that nothing but the finest Earl Grey fits such an occasion, but we're continental and we're made of stronger stuff. We need a strong coffee in our delicate porcelain cup, but first we are going to have to decide our preferences in coffee. One simply cannot have a sophisticated fika without knowing what one's favorite coffee is. Before we begin, let us establish two things: There are no Starbucks or any other such establishment in or near our isolated castle, and (ahem brand that will go unmentioned) is simply a crime against good taste.

Any blue-blooded member of the royal court has doubtless made many journeys around the globe to sample coffees from every fertile continent, and can easily ramble off a list of top notes, textures, and flavours in any given coffee from nearly anyplace in the world. Unfortunately, we, as imaginative beings existing primarily in a mentally constructed landscape of infinite splendor and endless wonder, are limited to our castle, the courtyard, and the forest beyond.

It doesn't have to be that way, though. If we open our eyes and return to the horrors of the real world, we can find something on the list of the best things I have encountered in this life. That something is fancy coffee, and I buy mine here so that when I return to my castle wonderland I can proudly declare that I am drinking Ethiopia Yirgacheffe sailed in all the way from the newly discovered African continent as I, with untold poise and timeless beauty, go back to reading the greatest story known to man.


Notes, warnings, and post-scripts: Please do not try any of Kaija's fantastic ideas outside of the controlled environment of your mindscape. Please note that Kaija is not a member of any royal court on Earth and that she knows little of sophistication in her day to day life. She is but a humble farmer's daughter, milking cows and ploughing fields from sunrise to sundow- oh, wait, wrong mindscape. Ahem. In any case, please take any advice and/or coffee with a heaping teaspoon of sugar. If you are British and have been in any way offended by my Frenchness, please leave a message with my secretary Francis at 1-800-1-10v3-F4ANC3.